How much more can I take?

This year has been so long and horrible. I am so done with 2011. I am done with scrimping and saving ans trying so hard to make what we have work, only to find that my best efforts are not enough. I'm tired of feeling like the slightest indulgence or want is horrible. Tired of second guessing every penny that is not spent on food and crying when there is not enough money to go around. Tired of one little thing ruining our budget because it is so tight that $2 can make or break it.

We had to make the decision with our last paycheck wether to have power or food for this week. We didn't have enough money to pay for both once rent money was taken out. We decided that without power food would be irrelevant, as we would not be able to power our stove or keep our refridgerator running without power, and the weather would make it unbearably cold. We paid our power bill and hoped we would be able to figure something out before we ran out of food.

Well, that day came today. We had thought Dominic would be able to sell back his books today and get enough money for us to make it through to Friday when our paycheck came in. Turns out book buy back doesn't start until friday.

I called the bishop to see if we could get a food order, but he can't meet with us until next week.

We applied for food stamps, but they denied us.

We've already been to the food bank, we received a box of scalloped potatoes, a few cans of food, some moldy bread, and 4 steaks. Being that we are vegetarian, and I don't want to die from eating mold spores this isn't nearly enough to keep us going until friday. We traded the steak with a friend for some mushrooms, milk, a bit of cheese, and some tortillas, but the food is gone already after just two days. 

I can't even make bread because I don't have sugar for the yeast to eat.

I am at my ropes end. I am in tears trying to figure out how to make what little food we have into meals for the next four days. And it's not like we spent our money haphazardly and that's why we are in this situation. This past month only $15 was spent on non-essentials, and that was for netflix so we would have something to entertain us all through the month. Every penny more has gone to food, utilities, and rent. I have $30 in amazon credit, but that can't buy my children food.

I am trying my hardest, but there is just never enough. I can't get a job because I would have to make $14 an hour just to afford the childcare costs. I can't stretch my money any further than i already am. I have tried everything I can think of and it is just not enough.

What do you do when you have tried your hardest and pushed yourself to the very limit and it is still not enough? I can't just give up, but I can't go a single step forward anymore without breaking down into tears and crying knowing that my kids just don't understand why we don't have food.

In ten days it's my birthday, and all I really want for my birthday is to have food in my fridge and my bills paid, but I doubt I will even get that. It will be just another day of  scrimping and stretching, and praying that we will make it to the next paycheck. I doubt I will get a single phone call or visit from a friend, let alone gifts. It will just be another lonely, horrible day of worrying.